My Single Girl Saga {Navigating COVID-19}: Feeling All the Feels
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The first day I stayed home during this pandemic was March 11. I blinked, and it’s now 171 days later. How is that even possible?? You guys, I know absolutely know it will pass, but for today and for this moment, I’m feeling all of the feels.
I’ve been sitting in front of my computer trying to put together posts for a few recipes I’ve made over the past week. For some reason, the words just aren’t coming out. No matter what I type, it doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel like what my fingertips want to say today.
So, this might come off a little heavy, but it’s the only thing that seems authentic. I’m trying to be more comfortable sitting in the discomfort that is this season and sometimes that means it’s ok to not be ok.
I’m tired of being home. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always used my downtime to recharge and refuel and have been known to protect my Sundays for me-time. At the same time, I used to be someone who loved to travel. Business travel or personal travel, I miss seeing different parts of the country, meeting new people, and putting together cute outfits to wear while I’m gone (yes, this is really something I miss.) I can’t believe it’s been so long since I’ve slept in a plush king sized bed with like a zillion pillows, ate in a restaurant, or took the train at Denver International.
I used to dash off to the desert to drink all the rosé and lounge at beautiful palm-tree circled pools. I’d reconnect with friends and laugh at the stories they’d share of times I’d missed between our visits. I miss this. I miss this a lot.
One of my favorite getaway spots is reopening for guests in September, and my heartstrings are tugging at me to book a trip. What is a trip now though? Social-distanced pool time and masked massages? I also think the idea of traveling solo would be even more depressing than staying put. Usually when I travel, I meet people at the pool or in yoga classes… but it’s not like folks are interested in mingling with strangers (myself included.)
There’s also the small detail that going on vacation costs money. In this economy, during a pandemic, and while unemployed, my splurging on a vacation doesn’t exactly make sense. My splurging at Target doesn’t exactly make sense either, but a girl’s gotta have something small to enjoy so I make that work.
Unemployment… that’s another piece that’s been weighing on me today.
I 100% know that leaving my job was the best thing I could have done for myself in 2020. I intuitively know that the right new thing will come my way in its own perfect timing. In the meantime, the reality of being without a job can feel really heavy.
Mondays tend to be the days when I feel it the most. Everyone else goes back to work, and what do I do? I set an alarm and wake up at a reasonable hour on Monday morning. I make my coffee, do my journaling, search for new job postings, go through my to-dos, and then I’m done.
BTW… it’s not lost on me how many of you would kill for the opportunity to have a Monday morning like this. So many are juggling virtual learning, working from home, or even being first responders. I fully recognize that it’s tough out there for everyone. Everyone has their own kind of tough; this is mine.
Back to my Monday, I’ve at this point already looked for new roles (and likely seen very little pop up), and now I have 5 hours of the traditional work day to fill with positive activity and avoid falling apart. 95% of the time, I can buzz around happily and busily. It’s that other 5% that I have to watch out for.
I had big plans for today. I was going to write recipe posts, shoot a video, get dressed and showered. I’ve done none of this. Instead, I’ve cried twice, ate a mini loaf of poppyseed bread in the night, and haven’t even brushed my hair. #realtalk
Truth: I miss having a specified purpose and being able to help others. I wholeheartedly know there is a thread that connects each of us in community beyond simple coexistence. I have to believe we wouldn’t have developed the ability to communicate, if it were not for the purposes of staying connected and helping one another. Either way, I feel less than helpful right now and know that my lack of a job contributes.
While my logical brain is patient with the process, the controller in me wants to know when this is all going to happen. There’s an uncanny belief that if I just knew that something was coming, that I could enjoy my afternoon and not worry so much. Now that I think about it, I’d love to Google the ending to so many of the things that are happening right now. To be able to know the outcome and/or to know with confidence that we’re all going to be ok would be extremely calming. Alas, it’s not possible. We just have to continue putting one foot in front of the other.
I am also exhausted watching this pandemic take its toll on so many I love. From single moms trying to figure out to be a teacher and an employee to folks dealing with grief of losing a loved one during this crazy time to mental health challenges becoming big problems, I’m seeing it all and lending an ear as much as I can. I’m trying to help as much as I can from afar (at least 6 ft, of course.) Honestly, it just sucks though. I never want the people I love to be in pain, and it’s devastating to watch them go through this right now. With all this extra time on my hands, I want to be put to work to help, to be able to jump on a plane to swoop in to assist, and mostly, I want them to be happy. Instead, I’m at the other side of a screen trying to provide support… and it just feels like not nearly enough. On the other side of this, let’s seriously examine our dependency on technology and prioritize face-to-face time and live interaction. I think for our sanity (and that of the generations still growing) it’s critical.
Mostly, I miss the predictability of days past. On an average day, I would snooze 6 times before getting out of bed to rush through getting ready. I would inevitably make a daily trip to Starbucks for espresso. I would spend the whole day on the phone, draining my Airpods. I could count on connecting with someone each day. This would happen over and over, day in day out. Wash, rinse, repeat. Even with the monotony of it all, it would still feel more normal than this “new normal”, even 171 days later.
I’m so sick of not knowing what comes next. I don’t know what I will feel like tomorrow or an hour from now, for that matter. I miss the consistency of my mood and my outlook. I want to ride my unicorn over the rainbow like I used to, and get off this never-ending roller coaster of emotions and disappointment.
Deep down in my soul, even without the ability to Google it, I absolutely know we’re all going to be ok. Now to find the patience to wait for the good to reappear. There is no greater proof that this will happen than the knowing that it always has and it always will.
And for some reason after a low day like this happens, the sun tends to shine even brighter the day that follows. I can’t wait to see it rise. I can’t wait to see both of us rise.
Sending light and love… xo
My Single Girl Saga {Navigating COVID-19}: Feeling All the Feels originally appeared on No Thanks to Cake on 08/31/2020, which is not permitted to be copied on other sites without written permission from the original author.
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