fuck everything. i’m not worth the weight loss. (rant)

this is hard man. warning: whiny excuses and bullshit ahead

F/19/5’2”/206.8 lbs. i’ve been trying for 5 years now. 5 years of “ill start tomorrow” then failing tomorrow. i’m bored. i want to eat. even when i’m doing something i want to eat. when i’m distracted i want to eat. it doesn’t matter what i’m doing, i want food. it feels amazing. it’s the most addictive feeling in the world being able to eat whatever, whenever, in ANY amount. nothing tastes as good when i know i can only have a bite of it, in spite of people saying it tastes better when it’s a treat. i don’t want one damn bite my whole life.

when i have the opportunity to binge, when there’s food around, i don’t give a fuck about my weight. i could care less if i’m fat forever in those moments where i have my favorite foods in large quantities in front of me. i lose all sight of my goals, they don’t matter to me, but the guilt afterwords is real. doesn’t matter though, cause the guilt can and always does fade and i’m back to eating several thousand calorie meals again.

I gained 45lbs during this pandemic. I surpassed a weight i always ALWAYS told myself i’d never even be within 15 lbs of ever again. I see the scale and i’m apathetic to it. every time i gain it’s a shock for about 2 seconds then it becomes a new normal and I just keep going. I’m so scared to reach a point where getting to my goal weight is something that will take years rather than months like it could have had i not gained these 45lbs.

I’ve tried everything. I know exactly why to do. Yes, i’ve done it before. people say if you’ve done it once you can do it again but back then i wasn’t even trying, back then it was easy, it was my first time. i’ve approached it the same way and it’s just fucking impossible. i’ve approached it other ways and nothing is working. ease into it, start little, habit changes, proportions, cheat days, fasting, omad, none of it fucking works for me man. i mean, of course it works, but i am not doing it. i won’t do it. i don’t understand why i can’t stick to it. the craving for food (even when i’m not hungry) is beyond my want for a healthy body in those moments.

what’s sucks is sometimes i feel so inspired and motivated. “this time it will be different. why am i acting like this is so hard? i can totally do this. this time is it” i have that feeling like 7 times a month, gotta be several hundred times the past few years and i’ve learned not to trust it because never have i ever stuck to it and actually did something when i got that feeling. 3 lbs lost here 2lbs lost there, and 5lbs gained the next day because fuck food is so good man.

i feel like i’m bound to be overweight forever. i feel like i need to accept that and give up. i feel like i deserve it since i can’t do something as simple as not eating several thousand calories a sitting. i can’t even stay on my calories for one fucking day. slow or not, ease in or not, I fuck everything up for that feeling of freedom and satisfaction. i sabotage myself and lie to get food (aka, tell my friend i have calories left and to get me snacks when i’m 1000 over) the scale is going to keep rising and i’m going to get more and more apathetic to it in favor of food and pass the point of no return. you may think there isn’t one but i feel pretty sure that there is.

i wish i could just stop eating like i’m fucking starving. i wish it didn’t feel so good to be able to do whatever i want. i wish i didn’t hit a new highest weight every single day and stop giving a fuck minutes later. this is so pathetic i think i might deserve to be overweight if i can’t control some dumb ass cravings

funny thing is, i’m eating a fucking pie out of the container with a fork while i write this lmao. can anyone one relate?

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