Self-loathing.

I have always been on the chubbier side, even as a child. It's not my parents fault. They cooked healthy meals, encouraged me to exercise and were a healthy weight themselves. But I was always chunkier. When I started puberty things started getting out of hand due to undiagnosed depression and family problems. I weighed 70 kg at 13 years old, too much for my age and height. And instead of talking to anyone about it, I decided to restrict my intake drastically, which in hindsight was a terrible idea. But it worked and I lost almost 8kg in a year.

Even after losing that weight, I was still chubby and out of shape. Still am. I've gained and lost weight on and off, dieted, binged, starved myself and I still hate my body. I am not fat, but that's all I see when i look at myself. I am female, 165 cm tall and weigh around 65 kg now, but I haven't weighed myself in a few months so it could be more. My BMI is technically fine, but I feel disgusting and gross despite it being "healthy".

The biggest problem is that I keep equating the number on the scale to my worth as a person. I cry when I think I've gained weight, I obsess about my chubby stomach, my thighs, my face and the cellulite all over my body. I recently started CICO again (this time, with a safe deficit) but it's hard to stay motivated when all I feel is self loathing and hatred every time I look in the mirror. Some people say shame is a great motivator but for me, all it does is feed my depression.

submitted by /u/hail__sithis
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