I just realized that my relationship with food is messed up and I don’t know what I should do about it…

Basically what the title says. I am 21 year old, female, 171 cm and 62 kg. I am not overweight, never was. My highest weight was 72 kg but even that fell in the healthy BMI range. I used to be my heaviest when I was 16 and didn’t do any sports, was focusing on partying. I started to run a year later and I’ve lost around 5 kg naturally, and gained some muscels. Last summer I decided to get in a better shape and I started to excercize more and eat on a calorie deficit. I was on the deficit for 2 months and lost 2kg of fat and gained more muscle. But after I stopped the calorie counting I immediately gained some weight back. In january I decided to do the 75 hard challenge and from january to may I was in better shape than ever. I lost more weight, I was 59kg at my lovest and was pretty muscular. But the last two months were pretty hard and I couldn’t do as much excersice as I wanted to and I didn’t pay attention on my diet and I even strated to drink more alcohol. Naturally I gained a few kilos back.

This might be a basic example of yo-yo dieting but I just realized how serious problems I have regarding food.

When I am on a deficit I can eat healthy and I can keep my diet but my thoughts are always around food. I am planning my meals in my head, eating breakfast I am already think about lunch and dinner. Eating became something I strictly try to control and it’s not a natural process anymore. When I stopped counting calories for a few weeks I was okay with it, I tought I can allow some “rest” to myself. For the last two weeks I have been thinking a lot about how I need to get back on track and I noticed that I started to eat way more than before. I constantly overeat as I think that this could be my last meal before starting calorie counting again, but if I could just have a healthy relationship with food I think I would just eat whenever I feel hungry and stop right after I am full.

How can I stop being obsessed about food and eating? How can I really understand that I don’t have to consume everything in one sitting, I will have plenty chance to eat? How can I stop the urge to eat three toasts for breakfast if I am full after two and I could just eat the third for lunch??

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